So, I’m not going to start at the beginning. But here’s a quick background on me:
- 31
- Just got out of a long-term relationship with my best dude friend
- Haven’t been “single” since I was 19
- Successful career
- Decent looking, in shape, blonde hair, big boobs
- Strong grasp of English language and how to write a compelling profile
- Easy to talk to, hate small talk and will push you into real convo
Anyway. I hate this single life right now. It’s weird. And dating? Weirder. At my age, a lot of people are already married with kids. I’m really busy and not trying to meet dudes at bars. Online dating is exhausting – chatting with so many people, weeding out those that suck and trying to fit time to meet the decent ones into your schedule.
So, yeah. I’m over it. But it’s 2016 and it is what it is.
I gave some advice on this topic in the fall when I had a quick breakup with my most recent ex. That time around, I was on dating sites for a total of 3 days. Found someone cool (we had friends in common too) and dated him for three months. He was a serious catch. Seriously. It just didn’t work out. And then I got back with my ex, whom I consider the love of a lifetime. But yeah, he wasn’t ready for all that and it didn’t work out either.
So, here I am. Heartbroken. Alone. And just trying to figure this whole “dating” thing out.
But dudes are kinda the worst sometimes. They’re pretty shitty at this whole online dating thing. So, I’m going to offer a second round of advice now that I’ve been trying this for the last two weeks.
Dudes, listen up:
- Let me touch on the photo thing just one more time. Stop posting group photos with your bros. I have no fucking idea which one is you and I really don’t want to play detective. If I have to work too hard to figure it out or can’t, you’re out. Also, bathroom selfies are the worst. I think there is a solid reason for this: you don’t own full-length mirrors – your only mirror is in your bathroom. Also, I think you suck at taking photos other than group photos with your bros (see earlier in this bullet). SO, you actually have a lack of decent photos. But do us this favor: take a pic with your mom next time you see her (or dad), your dog, with one friend (and specify which one is you), or even crop a pic with an old girlfriend. Just do something.
- Oh, and show your fucking stupid face. Motorcycle helmets, pictures far away of you on a mountain top, your back while climbing a rock wall? Gee, thanks. NOW I know what you look like.
- Tell us what you do for a living in your profile. If you’re 21, fine, don’t. But I’m talking adult men – 25+. If I don’t know what you do, I’m probably writing you off. I know it sounds shitty, but I have a good career. I want a partner that has ambition and drive. And I obviously don’t want to be a sugar mama.
- If my profile explicitly says, “you need to be tall”, then don’t message me with “haha, I’m 5’6″, is that tall enough?” No. It’s not. It also just proves that you’re a shitty reader and listener. This applies to anything that we specify as something that is a deal breaker for us. Don’t just assume that we’ll let some stranger slip through cracks of our standards.
- For crying out loud, if you are over 27, do not talk about your fraternity or put your greek letters in your profile. This just shows us that you peaked in college and can’t let go of the “glory days”.
- I swear to God, if you send me some melodramatic, transcendental (or movie) quote as your first message I will never, ever answer.
- Can you just be normal? I know small talk has to happen to a degree, but make it interesting. “How was your day?” isn’t going to continually cut it. Play 20 Questions, make me laugh, ask deeper questions. Just talk to me like I’m one of your friends or co-workers that you’re actually interested in getting to know.
- “You must be fit” isn’t allowed to be in your profile if you have a beer gut.
- There is NO way that 95% of you are as outdoorsy as you claim. And those of you that insist on a girl that is just as outdoorsy? There’s a reason you’re single. I’m going to let you in on a secret: most girls aren’t that into it. Sure, some are, but they live in places like Colorado. If you don’t live in extremely rural or mountainous places, it’s going to be hard to find that chick. Sure, we like a nice bike ride, walk in the park, a weekend of camping, a leisurely hike, a run, etc. But if you’re expecting a woman to have it all, including being as into rock climbing, camping for a week, dirt biking, fishing, hunting, whatever as you are – you’re really going to narrow that pool. The cool thing? You can totally do those things and most women join you for the ones they feel comfortable with. But the things they don’t? They’re most likely extremely ok with you spending time with your dudes and doing them.
- What is it – beard or no beard? Hair or no hair? Good teeth or bad teeth? Chubby or skinny? This goes back to the photo thing. Post recent, consistent photos of yourself. How are we to know which is college you and which is the you we’re possibly going to meet? Don’t be deceptive and don’t be confusing.
- WHY IS YOUR PROFILE EMPTY? Next.
- Listen, if you haven’t given us the details we require and we still swipe right/match with you, some of us might be direct in asking the things we need to know. Online dating sucks because it’s A LOT of work and A LOT of conversations. It also sucks because it’s pretty shallow. And yeah, we treat it as a screener. So, just tell us what we need to know and if we decide to move on, it happens. Did you think it wasn’t going to happen in three days when the truth finally comes out? Just save us all the time and don’t be offended if we ask you directly.
I think I could go on for awhile, but I’ll stop there.
Oh, and ladies? Most of that up there applies to you too. The biggest thing you’re an asshole for? Letting guys you’re not interested in take you out and buy you drinks/dinner. Don’t do that. At least be semi-interested before you waste their time and money.
Cross your fingers that I meet someone decent (that follows these tips) and I don’t need to create a Part Three to this post.
Want some help revamping your profile? This will help.
Sam Siman
Sam works in advertising/marketing by day and moonlights with startup consulting, dating profile overhauls, and event planning. She lives in Columbus with her two dogs and spends her free time writing, drinking coffee and local beers, getting zen with yoga, catching a good concert, and laughing with friends. She doesn't give a shit if you're offended by lewd language, so #dealwithit.
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