Dudes: Let Me Tell You How to Online Date – Part 1

After my recent breakup, I downloaded Tinder and got on Match. I’m talking night one through my tears and sobs. I figured, I’m 30, I’m smart (and ok looking) and there is no reason I should sit around contemplating life every night while watching Gilmore Girls. I don’t like to waste time in any aspect of life, why should I in this. So, online “dating” it was.

On Tinder, I swiped right more than I would in a non-immediate post-breakup situation. I had nothing to lose – I could totally ignore the weirdos if they matched with me. On Match, I didn’t do anything. Literally, nothing other than half setup a profile.

I spent one week on both. ONE week, my friends. In that time, I had hoards of matches. I promise you, this isn’t me bragging – just sort of the way of online dating. I’m a woman. I’m not totally unfortunate looking. And my profile was authentic/sarcastic/semi-funny. It’s not brain surgery.

Dudes, this is where you need to start listening. This is what I found to be “problem areas” for most:

• If your user name (on Match – Tinder doesn’t allow this) is “foxxxymann”, “MrAwesome”, “haygrlhayy”, or anything misspelled, you will be ignored. We’re adults. This isn’t AIM circa 1997.
• Personalize your damn message. Some “witty” line that you clearly use for everyone may (if you’re lucky, but you’re probably not) make me laugh. But I know you’re mass-blasting that shit out to everyone. Rule one of dating: make her feel special. You’re blowing it on the first interaction.
• Choose flattering photos. Why are you posting topless selfies in your bathroom if you have a dadbod? Who is that other woman in your photo? Why are you obviously blackout drunk in every, single one? This isn’t what we’re looking for. And guess what? You can totally control how we see you. Pick the hottest photo you have. Preferably, one where you’re smiling and enjoying life.
• Your profile. For the love of God, spell everything right. Check your grammar. Have your friends proof it for you, if needed. Any decent woman will be immediately turned off if you don’t have a handle on your native language.
• And on the profile note – put some fucking thought into it. Make it more than one sentence. Don’t brag. Be authentic – unless authentic you is a racist shithead or blubbering idiot. And even then I guess you should be authentic. We all need to know when to run.
• If you do end up securing a date, follow up. Don’t set up the date for five days from now and go dark until that day. Keep courting us. Remind us why we said yes. You know why? Because there are a bunch of other dudes trying to get dates too. And the ones that keep us interested will bump your spot, if necessary.
• Don’t be a total perv. We’re so used to it that we don’t even blink anymore. Oh, you want to “slam me against the wall and ‘fork’ me”? Cool, you and lots of other guys that will never get a response. Some chicks are in it for random hookups. Most are not. The ones that are will most likely let you know immediately – they’re not there to play games or delay things. Let them tell you, don’t assume.

In summation: be the best you. Make us notice you through the herds of weirdos. Be authentic. Make us feel special. Oh, and don’t be a douchelord.

PS – This goes for the ladies too. All of that up there can apply. I’m an equal opportunity bitch.

Want some help revamping your profile? This will help.

Sam Siman

Sam works in advertising/marketing by day and moonlights with startup consulting, dating profile overhauls, and event planning. She lives in Columbus with her two dogs and spends her free time writing, drinking coffee and local beers, getting zen with yoga, catching a good concert, and laughing with friends. She doesn't give a shit if you're offended by lewd language, so #dealwithit.