Shit Women Do With Their Best Friends

Hint: It’s not all pillow fights in cute panties. Only sometimes.


1. Pee with the door open.

When you’re mid-conversation, no walls should be built. All communication must continue to flow as easily as possible. Restroom breaks aren’t even allowed.


2. Send the same semi-racy photos that they are sending to a dude.

Because you need someone that isn’t blinded by boobs to rate them for you. “Did you get that pic? Do you think my boobs looked ok or should I have posed differently? Are those underwear too ‘granny’?”


3. Talk about poo, or lack their of. (Dudes, get over it. It’s human nature.)

Being regular is the key to being bloat-free and skinny, so gals are often discussing. If you’re a bit stopped up, you can bet your best gal pal is suggesting diet changes, teas, or even keeping a chart. Ok, maybe that’s too far. But hey, women are fierce friends.


4. Send screenshots of people from high school and what they’re up to now.

This usually happens out of the blue. Just a screenshot of crazy Karen’s post and a nice “unamused” emoji. You know exactly what’s going through your best friend’s mind and you can’t help but dish a little. Although you’re open, accepting, caring, and usually polite, when you’re in the privacy of a text with your best friend sometimes you just let it all go. Listen, none of us are proud of this, but it’s just life. Also, why is Karen openly sharing her recent fight with Bill and how he’ll “never have the kids”? Yikes.


5. Share ev-ery-thing.

No boundaries, for real. Shirts, shoes, makeup, brushes, and even underwear. If you’re grossed out by that last one, you’re a goddamned liar. We’ve all done in it a fit of desperation (or extended stay sleepover).


6. Give the play-by-play of last night’s debauchery.

Who says we’re all angels? You can’t help but give every graphic detail to your friend. If you’re slightly ashamed, she knows what to say to make you laugh the situation off. If you’re proud of that chiseled-abs, one night stand, she’ll be fist pumping and adding some colorful commentary.


7. Assign nicknames to dudes.

If you’re dating, it’s easier to give fake names to each dude in your “batch”—the doctor, DILF, Tom Thumb, DSLs, guitar dude, poofy hair, hipster Hal, etc. That way, your friend knows exactly which suitor you’re talking about. If he doesn’t get a nickname, that means it’s getting serious.


8. Automatically assume the other is dead when response to text messages is delayed.

During the workday? Fine. Meetings happen. But if some office drama goes down, you better immediately spill when you can slink away into a stairwell. However, after work, you better respond within the hour. You’re on a date and being polite to the dude by not checking your phone? He must have kidnapped you. You go see a movie with another friend and put your phone away to not distract other viewers? Your body is clearly in a gutter somewhere. Ran to the mall to grab a shirt for tonight and decided to power walk through the crowds which makes texting a hazard? Probably got trampled in a holiday shopping stampede. Just do a gal a favor? Check in. Often.


9. Tell her things about your significant other that no one else would care about.

Ok, this one can be a touchy subject. Clearly, establishing a level of trust and confidentiality with your significant other is the key to a relationship. But sometimes there are things that you know your best friend would totally appreciate and find humor in. You have to use your best judgment on this one—how far is too far? What is truly confidential? Would your partner be completely embarrassed if they knew you told your best friend? Tread lightly, but laugh lots.


10. Ask for feedback on body parts.

Yep. It happens. And it’s not sexual, pervs. “Are my boobs proportionate enough?” “What do I use to get rid of this razor burn?” “Look at my butt when I flex. How the fuck do I get rid of that cellulite?” “My arms flutter too much when I shake them around. See?”


11. Share bodily excretions if there is concern.

Shut up, we all do it. It’s gross, but sometimes Google just doesn’t cut it. And, as women, we crave a tribe. We want to know that what we’re experiencing isn’t something we’re going through alone. Anything from, “why did this exit my body?” to “is this color normal?” Yep, advice from a friend is the precursor to every doctor’s trip we take.


Sam works in advertising/marketing by day and moonlights with startup consulting, dating profile overhauls, and event planning. She lives in Columbus with her two dogs and spends her free time writing, drinking coffee and local beers, getting zen with yoga, catching a good concert, and laughing with friends. She doesn't give a shit if you're offended by lewd language, so #dealwithit.

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