1. Good friends, shitty hangovers.
Seriously. I’m recently single and trying to enjoy nights out/in with friends. After quite the spirited Saturday night I awoke to a hangover. I tried one of those hangover drinks and it worked enough to not feel like a corpse. Laziness took over for most the day.
2. Yoga until you can’t yoga no mo’.
New neighborhood, new studio. This studio happened to have a Vino & Vinyasa workshop over the weekend. Set to Beyonce and RiRi. Hi, did they come into my home and make a yoga class just for me? Anyway, yoga’ing 3 times a week is on my agenda. My bendy-ness is impressive, but I’m always looking to improve. Thank you, body, for cooperating in this way. Now, I just need to be able to afford it.
3. Holy shit. I’ll be 30 in exactly two months.
GROSS. How the hell did I get so old? Did you hear that? That was one of my eggs spontaneously combusting.
4. Improve the “home” (rental) and bake like a lady.
Improving the home – check. Baking – not so much. Baking is my thing, but I’ve been too busy. Need to kick it into high gear over the next couple weeks.
5. Why is pizza so delicious? While I’m at it: Taco Bell, Mac n Cheese and Mashed Potatoes.
Please deliver me a pizza. Stack it on top of a Cheesy Gordita Crunch (minus beef – sub beans, minus lettuce, add sour cream). Stack all of that on top of mashed potatoes. Sprinkle some mac n cheese on top. Then, see number 2. Because I’m gonna need it.
6. I’m a vegetarian. Get the fuck over it.
I swear, if one more person asks where I get my protein I’ll jump on them like a spider monkey. A spider monkey that is in a protein-packed rage from all the legumes she eats.
7. New dentist = spa.
Why yes, I’d love to watch Netflix in your space-glasses while I get treatment. Oh, you offer paraffin wax for my hands while I wait? Thank you. ::waits for someone to feed her grapes::
8. I need a sugar daddy.
I like things. Expensive things sometimes. Someone needs to buy me shoes, clothes, bags, yoga package, yoga clothes, dinners, etc. Please don’t make him old and saggy. Make him my age, hot, smart, hilarious and caring. What’s that? I’m asking too much? Fuck you. I do what I want.
And, yeah. It’s super satisfying being able to provide for yourself. And I do. But it’s even better when you look at your bank account after and don’t cry.
Ok, I’d settle for a hefty pay increase so I can do these things on my own. Yes, I work my ass off and I’m working on it.
Please don’t send hate mail, feminazis.
9. Ma, send money.
I know you think I’m too old, but groceries aren’t getting any cheaper. Once number 8 is fulfilled, you can stop. Maybe I’ll even send you some of the monies.
10. Fuck number ten.
You guys will see. I’m typically against number 10. I mean, every list goes for 10 items. I don’t like to be predictable.
11. See, 11. Who makes lists that go to ELEVEN?
Me. My birthday is on the eleventh. It’s a good number.
Sam Siman
Sam works in advertising/marketing by day and moonlights with startup consulting, dating profile overhauls, and event planning. She lives in Columbus with her two dogs and spends her free time writing, drinking coffee and local beers, getting zen with yoga, catching a good concert, and laughing with friends. She doesn't give a shit if you're offended by lewd language, so #dealwithit.