Things That Go Through Your Head After a Breakup

DeathtoStock_Clementine9Maybe the dudes have some of the same, but this is for the ladies. We’ve all been there. One minute we’re happy someone crappy is out of our life. Then, a spider shows up to obviously kill us when we’re sleeping.


Hang with me, these aren’t all sad. Of course, some are. But many are funny and completely irrational too.



  • Who is going cut my grass/kill spiders/fix the dryer/change that very high lightbulb, etc?
  • Who is going to fill the lonely, empty, quietness that is this house?
  • When I hear a noise at night, who am I to call?
  • But now I’m just talking to the dogs more. Someone needs to be here to stop this madness.
  • Now I have to start all over?
  • New dudes aren’t going to be ok with the fact that I will probably not shave my legs daily for them.
  • Where is my “Good morning, beautiful!” text?
  • GOD, these groceries are fucking heavy.
  • Shit. I don’t want to pay for an Uber both ways.
  • :Calculates the latest possible time you can meet the right person to have babies with before ovaries dry up:
  • Can someone just run errands with me and make me laugh?
  • Sprawling out in this bed is awesome and all, but I miss someone to squeeze me tight.
  • Wait, how do you cook for just one person?
  • When sick: I just wish someone was here to tuck me in, bring me water, make me soup and hug me.
  • Is it ok to have really dirty hair on a first date?
  • Maybe I should have just gotten irresponsibly pregnant?
  • Anyone wanna go ride bikes?
  • Where can I buy one of those Men In Black mind eraser thingies (EDIT: a dude friend told me this is called a neuralizer)?
  • :Comes home to major dog mess: Ok, so I’m the only adult around?
  • I’m just gonna leave those smudged spider guts right there. (after throwing shoe at spider)
  • Buying myself flowers is not pathetic, right?
  • I hope my mom has time to talk on the way home from work. Who else am I going to tell about my entire day?
  • Oh Lord, that baby is cute. :ovaries explode. I cry.:
  • WHO WANTS TO GO TO HAPPY HOUR?! I can absolutely not be alone after work tonight.
  • But really, am I talking to the dogs too much?
  • I can’t go to that restaurant. Or that bar. Or that park. Or that street. Or that store. Too many memories.
  • :Walks into place above: Please don’t see him, please don’t see him, please don’t see him. Don’t look there, you kissed there.
  • Dude, I would have made a really fucking awesome life partner/mom. Fuck that.
  • Thank Jeebus for vibrators.
  • Oh GOD. Another wedding? I cannot go alone.
  • What if I take up a new hobby? Like smoking pot or something dangerous.
  • Should I start watching Sex In the City? Am I a Carrie or a Samantha?
  • Welp. Just binged watch that entire season way too fast.
  • I’m just gonna eat these 4 separate leftovers together as a meal. Yeah, they don’t go together. But whatevz.
  • Should I do something drastic like shave my head?
  • Showers were totally made for weeping.
  • Ew. All these dudes on online dating sites are weird.
  • Small talk is THE WORST.
  • Oh, did all those guys just hit on me while I was out? I STILL GOTS IT!


Ok, ok, ok. This could go on forever. But I’d love to hear all yours. Because, let’s be real, they’re honest and often hilarious. We all have moments of craziness and it’s completely acceptable. Let’s be in this together. Use hashtag #ThoughtsAfterBreakup and also comment here.

Sam works in advertising/marketing by day and moonlights with startup consulting, dating profile overhauls, and event planning. She lives in Columbus with her two dogs and spends her free time writing, drinking coffee and local beers, getting zen with yoga, catching a good concert, and laughing with friends. She doesn't give a shit if you're offended by lewd language, so #dealwithit.

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